Understanding abuse and violence

Verbal Abuse and harassment

This includes put downs, insults, name calling, swearing, yelling aggressively and persistent checking up on your partner or former partner.

On a day to day basis, verbal abuse can really erode the relationship you may be looking for.

Think about the names you may call your partner and how you use your voice tone and volume when you are upset. If you think about this honestly, would you say that verbal abuse occurs more than you realised? Are you satisfied with your own communication style?

Is verbal abuse just easier than saying what you really wanted to?

Many of the men who have attended Engage2Change identify that they struggle to say what they are honestly thinking, and then verbal abuse and screaming follow.

Even if you try hard not to fight in front of the children – verbal abuse is having an impact on them.

If you are being honest with yourself, and are unhappy with the way you are communicating, particularly when you are upset – you may want to call us.

Psychological and emotional abuse:

Humiliation, threats, insults, harassment, checking her phone / Facebook, monitoring daily routines and ongoing criticism all contribute to psychological and emotional abuse.

The impact of this abuse does more damage to women and the partners of abusive men in relationships than many other forms of abuse.

If you read the elements of psychological and emotional abuse and think honestly, what do you see?

Take a private moment to look back with your eyes open.

Have any, some or all of these themes become a part of the way you handle yourself?

If you are nodding to yourself or answer yes – you may want to call us.

Many of the blokes who attend our program start to realise just how damaging psychological and emotional abuse has become. Many men identify that although they are seeking trust, they create fear through this abuse. For most – It wasn’t what they were seeking. What are you seeking, trust or fear?

Sexual Abuse

Demanding sex when your partner has made it is clear they do not wish to participate, or forcing them to do sexual acts against their wishes are forms of sexual abuse. Expecting your partner to live up to things you have seen in porn and comparing partners with others – or humiliating their sex drive are also forms of sexual abuse.

If any of this is a theme you see, is this making your partner feel intimate or distant?

Many forms of sexualised abuse, such as forced sex and sexual acts against a partners wishes are a crime.

Many of the men we meet often think of sex as intimacy. Often they describe wanting sex to get closer to their partner after fighting or after hurting them as a way of fixing problems. However, most are doing this to meet their own needs, not their partner’s needs.

Have a think about it: Do you find yourself nagging or expecting sex – even when there has been a fight? If you take an honest look, – you might reflect that your partner is not ready or even truly interested. Deep down you know when they are truly keen, and when they are not. If you are answering yes or have any confusions about this: you may want to call us?

Social Abuse

Stopping your partner from seeing friends and family, or talking to other men are all forms of social abuse. If you have been making the choices of who your partner can and cannot associate with, or if you always find yourself arguing just before a social event or visit with workmates, friends and family: this is social abuse.

If you find yourself becoming upset when your partner is out, or if you are consistently or constantly checking up on them when they are out, this is social abuse. Stalking, tracking via GPS or social media and persistent texting and calling are also forms of social abuse. Following, watching and harassing are also very destructive forms of ‘social’ abuse.

We all value trust in relationships, but social abuse erodes trust and feeds all the other forms of abuse you are reading about here.

Financial Abuse

Taking total control over the family income rather than sharing the household income, making your partner account for every cent of expenditure, or denying them money for personal use are all forms of financial abuse.

Many men who identify economic abuse as a theme begin to understand that this form of abuse also feeds into the abuses you have been reading about. Some men also use economic control to mask how much they are spending on outside interests or addictions such as drugs, alcohol and gambling.

If this sounds familiar to you – you may want to call us. If you require more information about Gambling or Drug and Alcohol services.

Drugs and Alcohol

http://mnclhd.health.nsw.gov.au/services/drug-and-alcohol-services/

Gambling

http://www.gamblinghelponline.org.au/accessing-support/find-support-in-your-state/new-south-wales/


Physical violence

Punching, hitting, or pushing, choking, throwing or smashing things, threatening someone with a weapon, or hurting pets are all considered physical violence. Physical violence is a crime.

If physical violence has entered the relationship there is no question that men do more damage than women.

If you have become or been physically violent towards your partner, children and / or family pets then help is available and we strongly recommend you give us a call. In spite of promises men may have made to themselves and others, once violence occurs, or has been repeated, the chances of a man dealing with it by himself are very slim.

Engage2Change can help with an immediate safety plan and ongoing program support to work towards non-violence and safety.

Many of the men we meet hold a lot of shame in talking about physical violence. It has become much easier to try and deal with it by ourselves. But this rarely works and these same men say it is like a ‘roundabout’ – where things got better for a while, but then ‘it happened again’. Generally this pattern will / can get worse, not better without specialist help.

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